How to be a Customer: Lesson 5

It's really bloody late, and I should have gone to bed instead of playing a certain video game and making dinner. (Actually, what I really shouldn't have done was make the mixed cocktail that involved an energy drink... but they are so tasty...)

Hrm. Time for the final lesson, though it'll end up being the second. Nevermind. Huttah!

Lesson #5: No, that is not in stock... or even in print.

Remember how I mentioned, many days ago (all two both of them), that the customer should be able to ask any question, within reason? Well, welcome to the lesson that tells you to avoid the gray area between the reasonable and the un-. So, really, maybe the lesson title should be Stop asking me a slew of stupid freakin' time-consuming questions! That might get it across better.

Then again, maybe not. You are free to ask stupid questions. Hey, I have days where my brain goes numb. Usually they occur when there's a deadline, or when inane customers make me jam the pens into my ear... just to ease the pain...

Anyway. It's not the dumb or thoughtless questions that will anger the workers and throw a dead monkey into the gears of retail. It's the questions that you don't want answered. Oh, maybe you do want it answered, in theory... but your subconscious has already answered it for you. Any deviation from that desired answer results in the strange necessity to prove us wrong. Which, in turn, leads to us sawing off your foot in order to jam it down your throat.

This goes hand-in-hand with the first lesson. This time, it's not a matter of shooting the messenger, it's trying the tell the messenger he/she's wrong. It's like the citizens of the Exodus telling Moses that he must have gotten one or two of the Commandments wrong. We aren't the authority, ladies and gentlemen, we're just the intermediary.

Lesson #5 gets broken more than you might imagine. It happens when someone tells us that a game is already out (No, it doesn't even have a release date, and no, your cousin doesn't have it). It happens when we sell out of a hot new release (Weren't you the one who got annoyed when we mentioned reserving it?). It happens when customers ask for some no-name title that they saw on some local cable station when they were visiting their distant cousins five years ago, AND they only want it on VHS.

If you think we are mistaken, feel free to question us. But when we provide supporting examples to reinforce our assertion, don't think that your unbroken record of "never" being wrong is going to trump logic. If all else fails, we can all pitch in for a lobotomy. Maybe if you (surgically) forget that you're an arrogant asshole, the world will become that much better.

Today's Example: The subject for this lesson stopped into a retail store. After a number of minutes spent in fruitless search, he/she asked the employee for a certain movie title. The employee inquired as to the genre of this movie, since he/she had never come across it. Ever. After an indignant pause, the subject informed the employee that this great, wonderful, popular movie was a horror title, and he/she had seen it years ago, and it was great.

When the employee dutifully searched the database for said movie, he/she came across the title... which was long out of print (in either DVD/VHS). After an angry denial, the employee checked again. Again, he/she found that it was not something that was available for order, and it was definitely not in stock.

To this reveleation the customer threw up his/her hands, and started yelling in disbelief. How could such a store even call itself a movie place if it didn't have this obscure title on tape! After a few minutes of verbal degredation, the subject left the store, only to rant to anyone who might come within earshot. It's at that point that the employee believed in the Retail Fairy, in the vain hope that he/she might find a sawed-off shotgun beneath the counter.

Then again, this alleged customer doesn't come off nearly so stupid as the man who violently argued that, yes, there was a sequel to Patton. Meanwhile, the customer behind him is remembering Patton, especially the part where Gen. Patton dies. This waiting customer looks at the retail associate, and non-verbally expresses sympathy for the hapless associate.

Thank God for that customer.

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That's it. Final lesson done, missive over. I am so heading to bed.

How to be a Customer: Lesson 4

Here we are again, ladies and jellyspoons. I must break away from the FFX-2 so as to deliver my missives! The holiday season is almost upon us, and these last two lessons must get through!

(As a sidenote, it's an odd sensation to be throwing the rough/blog edition of Lesson 4 up on the site, revising the first two lessons for 210 West, and waiting for the Prologue to post in said publication tomorrow. Especially since this will end up being Lesson 5 in the final draft. Whew.)

Enough talk-ink! Lesson jetzt! I mean, now!

Lesson #4: You are not the only customer here.

I realize we live in a country where egocentrism is an expected viewpoint, but I don't care. The customer I am currently talking to is a nice person (If I'm lucky), and they have valid questions/concerns that need addressing. In other words, this is not the time for the Selfish You to rip off the mask of humanity and ask me where the latest inane pop/rap/country/rock release is!

(Besides, it's right next to you, you egocentric bastard. Maybe, if you actually learned to focus on something besides yourself, you would have noticed it. Ass.)

Allow me to provide you with another random insight into the workings of retail. Odds are, the day you stop in is the day that we're understaffed. It happens, and it will happen. Often. It's just one way for the company to stay in the black. (Unless it's MegaSoullessCorp, in which case they'll just fire anybody who's worked long enough to get paid a decent wage.)

Ladies and gentlemen, guess what? Despite the obvious rage in these lessons, we want to help you. We desire it. We will stop putting out product. We will stop putting up displays. We will stop the conversation with the significant other who is on the verge of breaking up with us... just to help you out. Seriously.

Nothing feels better that when a customer comes back, and thanks you for a recommendation. We like to validate our existence, and our nice administrative superiors like it when we give customers a reason to keep shopping with us. However, there are usually more of you than there are of us. Remember the Undisclosed Law of Sociodynamics:

"The amount of help you want/need is directly proportional to the total sum of customers and the square of customers who already want/need help."

Just give us some time, and we will provide you with our attention.

Today's Example: Mein Gott in Himmel, where do I start? How about the first subject, a middle-aged man/woman who interrupted my answer to another customer. He/she simply bellowed, "Hey, guy. Cassettes?" in an accusatory manner. To which I responded by pointed them, less than ten feet directly in front of him.

(And here I'll pause for sub-lesson 4.1: Don't call me "guy." Or "buddy." I'm will scream "uhm nuhm shemum" and rip out your still beating heart, a la Temple of Doom. "Dude" is fine, "sir" is preferred. Or you could look at the "-J." printed across my lanyard, and call me that. This goes cross-gender, as well. If you call any of my female associates "chick" or "babe", you deserve the unspeakable horrors she will visit upon your sorry, sorry ass. End of sub-lesson.)

Then there was the young man/woman who was in line. The person before him/her was returning an item. One of those long, complicated reasons for returning; but, he/she was an occasional customer, and had a valid point. After a while, the waiting customer started interrogating the other customer about taking so much time, driving him/her out of the store in annoyance. If there were such a thing as justified defenestration, that waiting customer would be the justification.

The final subject is the general "person shopping in a hurry." Slow the hell down. You should always allot more time than you need to shop. When you don't, you get angry, frustrated, and start bending Lesson #4. Then you break it, and give the nice retail employee a verbal assault. Bad idea. You really don't want me to retaliate, because then the nice police officers will need to go on a mall-wide scavenger hunt for the various parts of your body.

Relax. Slow down. Be considerate. As much as your inflated sense of self may seem to justify your pointless existence, you really aren't more important than the other ten people trying to ask me a question.

And if you're shopping on a tight schedule, you are a stupidhead.

Next Lesson: No, we don't have that in stock.

Hrm...

Post-script to the previous entry: At the end of "The SS: Death's Head," a Holocaust survivor comments on how "following the leader" led to the camps. He then states that blind faith in a leader should never be accepted.

That image is what will pop up everytime someone levels the "unpatriotic" rhetoric against me for criticizing W....

GAH?!

Lookie! J.'s blog has gotten a new face! I am prettier now, and very well-designed. And all the credit goes to SupaMB, a.k.a. "Mary Beth Eastman." MB was my editor at ye Olde BG News; and, outside my Stephy, she'd the coolest person on this blue/green ball of dirt.

By the way, it's a very dangerous thing to spend your day off watching "the SS" documentaries on the History Channel. Especially if you already have a lowered opinion of humanity as a whole. Fascinating, in a completely disturbing way. (Cease and desist with the sentence fragments!)

And, I know it's not finished yet, but look for a polished version of "How to be a Customer" at 210West.com... vielen Dank to MB for that, too.

Today's Thought: A J. and his money will soon be parted... to paraphrase the saying. This week, the releases include the super-sexy version of The Two Towers, volume 1 of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, a Strong Bad Sings CD (and here we thought such a thing only existed in parody), Final Fantasy X-2, and (allegedly) Warhammer 40,000: Fire Warrior. Bad for wallet, good for soothing my psyche.

Break time!

Well, in the primer, at least. Today was one of those days. Granted there are many different kinds of those days. This one happens to be of the mind-bendingly aggrivating types. The club last night was a bit disappointing. I had today off, but didn't go anywhere because I was waiting for a phone call. And after I got said phone call, I've learned that my headshot/resume stuff never got to the right people at my agency... though it's been there for three weeks.

See? Nothing horrendous, just all very aggrivating. Grrrr.
Oh, and I doubt we're going to get the WH40K game at work, even though I made sure the higher-ups knew to send a copy, a MONTH before release. Argh.

Speaking of work, this really isn't a break from the lessons. No, today I present:

What a Customer should Expect

Yes, I've been ranting against the stupidity of many a customer... HOWEVER, there are certain expectations of the retail workers. As a customer, you 1)deserve service. When you enter a store, even if you don't get smiles and hugs, you should at least get service without a grumble. If you need help or have questions (within reason), we should provide assistance in any way possible.

Not only that, as a customer, you 2)deserve communication. You should be able to inform/inquire of a retail employee in the area of their expertise. WARNING: This does not mean you should have the right to mouth off to us. There's a difference between confirming a release date, and telling us our info is wrong and we suck because you saw something on a message board. There's a difference between informing/questioning a price on a product, and getting uppity/self-righteous about it. I don't care if you can get it a dollar cheaper across the mall, just don't rub my nose in it. I do have a long metal pole that's used to close the gate; however, it can be used for improvised and imprecise brain-removal surgery.

Which brings up the final point. As a customer, 3)you have a choice. Let me stress that again: you have a choice. You are free to walk out of my store at any point in time, and use you spending power elsewhere. If it gets you off that Best Soulless Mart offers lower prices and less human interaction, great. Go. Don't hang around to belittle the retail workers in the mall. Remember the long metal pole... and I've been watching a lot of documentaries on mummification.

...

O-tay, that's plenty for now. Back to the lack of insulation that is my frigid apartment.

How to be a Customer: Lesson 3

Two down, three up, and an ace in hole. If you fathom the meaning of those words, let me know. Anyhow, onto the fifth (third, sir)... erm, third lesson.

Lesson #3: Don't take advantage of the retailers

Ever notice how the massive corporate (read: soulless) retail/rental/entertainment outlets generally make you feel alternatley like sucker / valued customer / potential criminal? That's because they can use any measure necessary to guarantee that their stock isn't stolen. Why? Because you'll still come back to get that $3 off a new piece of entertainment. (Remember the theme that I keep harping on as if I where a cherubim: Better prices come at a cost, usually in terms of personality/service)

Meanwhile, at the small to mid-size stores, we prefer personality and service. We'll bend the occasional policy, recommend stuff that you might also enjoy, and even help you find a place that carries what we might not. More often than not, we'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

To use a cliche, if we give you a foot, don't try to make it a mile. This can be in many different ways. If we're being helpful, don't use it as a screen so your friend can try to shoplift or look at the naughty stuff. If you're "just browsing," don't say that so we don't look at you while you pocket things or rearrange product. If we bend policy to accommodate you, don't try to haggle or ask us to bend it further, or expect it every time you come in. Any of those things are, simply put, trying to take advantage of our hospitality. And guess what? We don't forget, and we point you out to co-workers.

Remember, you aren't the only one who your actions affect.

Today's Example: As tempting as it is to re-iterate the the previous example, I should use a new one. Or two. Two would be good.

The first involves the old-fashioned haggle. Most businesses have a type of coupon that they use when a customer goes through a freakish/frustrating transaction/experience. It sometimes is the same as the coupons that the business gives to frequent customers, people to reserve items, or the like. (By the way, don't try and cause a scene just so we'll pacify you with a coupon. Once you say that, we realize that you're not a put-out customer, just an asshole)

The subject got such a coupon, which takes "$X off any regularly-priced item of at least $XX.99." The subject had just received it that visit. He/She then tried to purchase an item that was not only on sale, but on sale for less than the coupon minimum. When the diligent employees pointed this out, he/she insisted that they try to ring it through anyway.

Here's a tip: don't ask an employee to "try it, anyway," when it's obviously against policy. The employees have no desire to get written up/fired, just because you're friggin' cheap.

The secondary example involves a group of "customers". One of them, wheelchair-bound, realized that his/her chair set off the anti-theft censors in stores. The employees, being of the "nice" variety, just waved this subject in/out, no big deal. He/She used this to have his/her friends put stiff in the chair. It not only improves mobility, now it also allows you to shoplift!

Guess what? After one or two visits that coincided with theft, including visual confirmation of said actions, the employees not only don't wave the group off, they harass the group and get downright shitty with them, driving them out of the store.

When you try to take advantage of us, we will rescind any and every form of service. It's our right. Don't make us use it.

Next Lesson: Guess what? You are NOT the only customer! -gasp!-