How to be a Customer: Lesson 1

After a pain-in-the-ass day of work in the retail business (and many more to come before Christmas), I've decided to provide the occasional lesson to the drove of mindless people who shop in retail stores and like to think that the customer is always right.

You're not. And no amount of quoting cliche is going to stop me from jamming "Totally Hits Christmas" down your throat when you finally make me snap. So listen up:

Lesson #1: Don't shoot the messenger

Speaking of cliche, here's a good one to start with. If you're shopping at a store that has locations in more than one city, it's a pretty solid bet that "insignificant" things (like pricing, flexibility, procedures) are set. No amount of bitching at the part-time help will make things suddenly go your way. (Hell, sometimes bitching at the manager in such a store won't change things. That's a downside to franchise: you may get consistency, but you won't get flexibility)

Oh, and if you're calling/stopping by to smugly inform an employee of said retail outlet that you know of a lower price at a bigger, more soulless chain... fine. Though you are exercising your capitalistic freedom of choice (sacrificing service and knowledge for a $3 price difference), stop yourself before you start accusing/interrogating the aforementioned help. While your self-righteousness may feel good, remember: I have eight D-size batteries behind the counter, and I used to play baseball. The petty satisfaction you receive from belittling a retail employee (with a college degree) is NOTHING compared to the satisfaction he/she will feel from seeing your overweight and unconscious body hit the floor.

Just trying to warn you, people. The holidays are supposed to be festive, not an orgy of transferring you stress onto nameless employees, whose suffering gets you off.

Today's Example: Today's subject called a retail store where he/she had reserved two very popular upcoming DVDs. During her ample free time, he/she spotted a commercial advertising one of those DVDs. It was from a major (read: soulless) national chain, and the DVD would be $3 less than the copy he/she reserved. At this point, our subject decided that a $3 savings was worth more than the a)guaranteed copy that he/she would have, even if we sold out, b)call reminding him/her of the release of the DVD, and c)$3 coupon off any other non-sale item.

Hey, I understand. $3 is a Red Bull and a Snickers, and no services can compare to that. As a result, the subject requested cancellation of the one reservation, and his/her down payment to be transferred onto the other. Perfect and good, had he/she stopped right there.

Of course, he/she did not. After all, this is supposed to be an illustrative example, right? After that $3 savings was secure, the subject then launched into an interrogation of the employee who'd helped him/her out. Accusations such as "why don't you give people who reserve the best price?" (actually, we give them $1 off our lowest sale price) and assertions such as "well, there's no point to reserving then" (note the services provided above) provided minutes of stimulating conversation, all during an in-store rush.

So, ladies and gentlemen, the next time you get that tingly feeling of superiority/anger, keep it to yourself. You are free to conduct your business elsewhere. Just don't shoot the messenger on your way out. Remember the Ninth Beattitude:

"Blessed are the retail workers during the holiday season, they shall wreak bloody vengeance upon the stupid and short-tempered."

Next Lesson: You buy, I work. Don't try to switch roles.